One of my favorite mentors/friends/professors once told me that I was “malleable”and that I could slip from one culture to the next without too much difficulty. It is one of the biggest compliments I have ever received, especially coming from someone who has lived all over the world and basically is who I’d like to be when I grow up. In my limited experience, I have to agree with her. I don’t have as much trouble coming into a culture as I do reacclimating to my own. A few general strategies come in handy:
1) Eat everything (especially in Hispanic countries) – People are more patient with your other short-comings if you clean your plate. It’s an exchange of trust, a sign of appreciation, and an admission that you are the visitor. Unless you are allergic, I would highly recommend trying that unidentified murky,purple beverage. You will probably like it and your hosts will appreciate the attempt.
2) Laugh a lot especially at yourself–Smiling and laughing have gotten me out of a lot of really awkward situations ( see Spain post about semen). Like eating, it’s universal and a sign that you are humble. And staying in a stranger’s house and not speaking the language is funny in a lot of ways. Paquita and I had a few go to jokes that we always went back to if things got quiet – los freakquis, George Bush and Tony Blair spooning, drunk people, etc.
3) Ask permission and ask to help – The first few days, I ask for permission for almost everything. Lest we forget, this is not our house; it’s not even our country. So you should probably ask before you reorganize their closet to make room for your extra shoes or take a 30 minute shower.
Those are all common sense, no? Sharing a room with Julie for so long definitely helped me be a better tenant and my parents didn’t tolerate much picky eating so I have had good training.
One of the things that bothers me about travel is all of the extra considerations women have to deal with and how we automatically stick out no matter where we go. I think it is brutally unfair and I hate that my parents have to answer any questions about why they are allowing me to go somewhere. The fears are inevitably internalized and it’s not really fun to not trust anyone in a new place. I hate that I can’t entertain conversations with strangers or be out late at night or consider how I dress. BUT that is where I have a secret weapon.
I am a very basic looking person.
I am not extremely tall or short, fat or thin, dark or light, blonde or dark haired, ugly or attractive, Irish or Italian. I am an average sized girl with brown hair. Unless you already know me and love me, there is nothing really that notable about how I look – except for my hair on some days. I’d like to think I distinguish myself physically(for better or worse) with my clothing, but in Costa Rica my jorts, t-shirts, and Birkenstocks make me look like any other crunchy chick. I walked around all day and just enjoyed genuine smiles from passerby. An occasional whistle, but I mostly floated through the city undisturbed. I was initially really nervous to walk around by myself, especially given all the warnings I got in my orientation booklet ( don’t show my kneecaps??). Despite my tantalizing knee caps glistening in the Costa Rican sun, I managed to avoid any blatant harassment. I was malleable.
This is not a call for compliments or disagreements. The “plainness” that was the bane of my middle school existence is something that I appreciate now. It gives me control (if you don’t like control in some area of your life, you are LYING) – I choose when I want to be seen and by whom and it gives me a glimpse of that male freedom. I don’t look foreign in most places and people generally leave me alone and trust me. I don’t get cat-called like my blonde haired friends and creepy guys pretty much leave me alone.(is a girl with a messenger bag really going to put out? Probably not) I once told my mom I was “Just pretty enough to be taken seriously,” which is a terrible statement for women but still true from my perspective. Someone once told me it was best to be "pretty attractive and very funny."I can be funny or quirky or intelligent without having anyone question me. Now, I know a LOT of women who are extremely attractive and manage to be funny and quirky and intelligent and many more things than I could possibly fathom – and that obviously has its advantages.
The women I admire most are detached from their appearances – not in the sense that they are sloppy or grimy – but that it doesn’t take up too much of their mental space . They refuse to be defined by it or acknowledge it overtly, no matter where they lie on the modern continuum of beauty. Clearly, I haven’t gotten there yet, since I just devoted an entire blog post to this, but I think there is value in recognizing the benefits to of being inherently undefined. Freed from the burdens of extreme fortune/misfortune , you get to be an observer to a lot of neat cultural things ( especially if you follow my basic homestay guidelines), decide almost completely how you want to define yourself, and participate only when you want to. Also, if/when someone finds you pleasantly descript, it’s pretty exciting.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Day One WELCOOOMMMEE
I LOVE IT HERE! This was a hellacious day of travel but I am so so so happy that I stuck it out. I almost gave up for a minute. Any way here is how it went.
I stayed up way too late on Saturday night and my father found me in denial in front of the computer at 319 am and was absolutely furious with me. My response to “WHAT ARE YOU THINKKING???” was “don’t yell at me I’m blogging.” On Saturday, my mom woke me up and my stomach crumpled up into a little ball. I. did.not.want. to.go. My stomach promptly uncrumpled when my mom said “you’re flight is cancelled.” What??? This early? Weird. Immediate thought: THIS IS A SIGN. Immediate action: I told Jane to reschedule me for 7am tomorrow and I proceeded to sleep until 2pm. Jane lay with me for a few minutes and proclaimed “American Airlines don’t know me” ruff riders style. Upon waking up, I did tons of useful things, like work on beating Spyro the Dragon for the 10th time, napping, eating ice cream from the carton in my underwear, etc. I was already packed and no one knew I was still in the country- I was truly a free agent. I also spent some time convincing myself that this wasn’t one last glimpse of life before the universe snapped me up in its iron claws. It was a weird day- our dinner plans got messed up, everyone was cranky, my nose ring fell out, and my family even got into a fight – sure sign that the universe is not well.
So my new 7 am flight required me to get up at 3am and if you remember my bedtime the night before was somewhere around 330. Perfect. I was in my bed from midnight – 3am texting and trying to talk down my ulcers. My mom woke me up again with no cancellation news- but my parents were all dressed in their plaid and eating different types of fibrous products. We drove the new car down to JFK without a hitch – and a really cute woman named Fang checked me in. I was a vision in the clothes I had taken off and discarded on the floor only hours before. I waded my way through security and the American Airlines debacle began.
Flight One – No air conditioning, rancid smells, ma nwith creepy fingernails next to me, terrible landing. arriving and then sitting on the runway for an hour. This was just kinda general travel discomfort – there are certain risks you take when you hurtle your body through space in a metal tube.
Flight 2- DELAYED TWO HOURS. Plane change. Gate change. Waiting on the runway for the catering cart to arrive. I got to sit with the guy who decided to drink an entire bottle of duty free rum on board (well he drank what he didn’t spill all over himself) as he talked about cheating on his girlfriend, the subtleties of misogyny, being enraged at the Guyanas, why I should/shouldn’t rub his head, where he should barf, and trying to figure out whether he peed his cargo shorts or not.
I arrived in San Jose 12 hours after I left my home in Poughkeepsie. I tried my best to keep in touch with the volunteer company as to my whereabouts but with my phone dead and not making international calls, I relied on my family to just let them know that I was delayed and keep checking. So I arrived and fell in love with the people beginning right at customs. The people here are beautiful. The best of the indigenous American face and the European face combined and slapped itself on a very stylish and extremely friendly person. I walked out of the exit and had a feeling that I wouldn’t see my name out there. And it was a sea of signs. Business executives, doctors, students, families, but not me. A man came up and asked me if I needed help and being a wary New Yorker, I said no I was fine. False. I was in a foreign country with no address to go to and a few numbers to call and no phone to dial them. I was sure I had been scammed and was about to be sold on some sort of human market.I wandered around for a few more minutes before he found me again and I gave in. He told me he would give them a call for me. I gave him the number and he TOTALLY took care of things for me. Got on his cell, told the company what was going on and that their driver should get here ASAP to pick me up. He didn’t creep on me – just told me he’d let me know if the company called back. He kept an eye on me as he continued to dire ct the taxi traffic. His name was Jorge and he pulled everyone with a sign that said “volunteer” on it and asked if they were looking for me. When my driver came, he shook my hand and welcomed me to Costa Rica. Three of us were getting picked up at that time- me, a pre med student from Boston and a French girl here to do Turtle Conservation.
A tiny woman named Ingrid and her husband Leo zipped us through the outskirts of San Jose, while trying to learn our names and making phone calls. I was dropped off first because my house is right across the street from the main office. My host family is adorable – there is Jen the mom, the husband whose name I don’t know (eek), and an 8 year old son named Ethan. There is also a cat- which I didn’t know until it hopped onto my bed and laid down in my suitcase – the cat’s name is Chinoa. Dinner was spaghetti and meatballs ( which was also my farewell dinner from Casa Fio) and we settled in for a calm evening of professional wrestling on TV. The husband is a TV ADDICT. He laughs so hard at all of the sitcoms, I am surprised he has any blood vessels left. Some favorites include The New Adventures of Old Christine and Two and a Half Men. The house is simple and my room is ( I think) a converted tool shed. Costa Ricans do not seem to get as riled up as Americans or Spaniards – an even keeled group. Nothing is great but nothing is terrible and that’s about all you can wish for. This is not exactly the experience I had expected but I definitely feel myself growing up a bit. Travel has certain rituals – airports, packing, goodbyes, hellos, etc – that let you gauge how “this” felt before and how “this”feels now. “This” feels very different and hopefully soon I’ll be able to say how.
I stayed up way too late on Saturday night and my father found me in denial in front of the computer at 319 am and was absolutely furious with me. My response to “WHAT ARE YOU THINKKING???” was “don’t yell at me I’m blogging.” On Saturday, my mom woke me up and my stomach crumpled up into a little ball. I. did.not.want. to.go. My stomach promptly uncrumpled when my mom said “you’re flight is cancelled.” What??? This early? Weird. Immediate thought: THIS IS A SIGN. Immediate action: I told Jane to reschedule me for 7am tomorrow and I proceeded to sleep until 2pm. Jane lay with me for a few minutes and proclaimed “American Airlines don’t know me” ruff riders style. Upon waking up, I did tons of useful things, like work on beating Spyro the Dragon for the 10th time, napping, eating ice cream from the carton in my underwear, etc. I was already packed and no one knew I was still in the country- I was truly a free agent. I also spent some time convincing myself that this wasn’t one last glimpse of life before the universe snapped me up in its iron claws. It was a weird day- our dinner plans got messed up, everyone was cranky, my nose ring fell out, and my family even got into a fight – sure sign that the universe is not well.
So my new 7 am flight required me to get up at 3am and if you remember my bedtime the night before was somewhere around 330. Perfect. I was in my bed from midnight – 3am texting and trying to talk down my ulcers. My mom woke me up again with no cancellation news- but my parents were all dressed in their plaid and eating different types of fibrous products. We drove the new car down to JFK without a hitch – and a really cute woman named Fang checked me in. I was a vision in the clothes I had taken off and discarded on the floor only hours before. I waded my way through security and the American Airlines debacle began.
Flight One – No air conditioning, rancid smells, ma nwith creepy fingernails next to me, terrible landing. arriving and then sitting on the runway for an hour. This was just kinda general travel discomfort – there are certain risks you take when you hurtle your body through space in a metal tube.
Flight 2- DELAYED TWO HOURS. Plane change. Gate change. Waiting on the runway for the catering cart to arrive. I got to sit with the guy who decided to drink an entire bottle of duty free rum on board (well he drank what he didn’t spill all over himself) as he talked about cheating on his girlfriend, the subtleties of misogyny, being enraged at the Guyanas, why I should/shouldn’t rub his head, where he should barf, and trying to figure out whether he peed his cargo shorts or not.
I arrived in San Jose 12 hours after I left my home in Poughkeepsie. I tried my best to keep in touch with the volunteer company as to my whereabouts but with my phone dead and not making international calls, I relied on my family to just let them know that I was delayed and keep checking. So I arrived and fell in love with the people beginning right at customs. The people here are beautiful. The best of the indigenous American face and the European face combined and slapped itself on a very stylish and extremely friendly person. I walked out of the exit and had a feeling that I wouldn’t see my name out there. And it was a sea of signs. Business executives, doctors, students, families, but not me. A man came up and asked me if I needed help and being a wary New Yorker, I said no I was fine. False. I was in a foreign country with no address to go to and a few numbers to call and no phone to dial them. I was sure I had been scammed and was about to be sold on some sort of human market.I wandered around for a few more minutes before he found me again and I gave in. He told me he would give them a call for me. I gave him the number and he TOTALLY took care of things for me. Got on his cell, told the company what was going on and that their driver should get here ASAP to pick me up. He didn’t creep on me – just told me he’d let me know if the company called back. He kept an eye on me as he continued to dire ct the taxi traffic. His name was Jorge and he pulled everyone with a sign that said “volunteer” on it and asked if they were looking for me. When my driver came, he shook my hand and welcomed me to Costa Rica. Three of us were getting picked up at that time- me, a pre med student from Boston and a French girl here to do Turtle Conservation.
A tiny woman named Ingrid and her husband Leo zipped us through the outskirts of San Jose, while trying to learn our names and making phone calls. I was dropped off first because my house is right across the street from the main office. My host family is adorable – there is Jen the mom, the husband whose name I don’t know (eek), and an 8 year old son named Ethan. There is also a cat- which I didn’t know until it hopped onto my bed and laid down in my suitcase – the cat’s name is Chinoa. Dinner was spaghetti and meatballs ( which was also my farewell dinner from Casa Fio) and we settled in for a calm evening of professional wrestling on TV. The husband is a TV ADDICT. He laughs so hard at all of the sitcoms, I am surprised he has any blood vessels left. Some favorites include The New Adventures of Old Christine and Two and a Half Men. The house is simple and my room is ( I think) a converted tool shed. Costa Ricans do not seem to get as riled up as Americans or Spaniards – an even keeled group. Nothing is great but nothing is terrible and that’s about all you can wish for. This is not exactly the experience I had expected but I definitely feel myself growing up a bit. Travel has certain rituals – airports, packing, goodbyes, hellos, etc – that let you gauge how “this” felt before and how “this”feels now. “This” feels very different and hopefully soon I’ll be able to say how.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
SAN JOSE
Hi my blogees,
I have been estranged from my blog for a very long while. For about half of that while, I wasn’t writing because I was frightfully unhappy and lost. I pushed away the people that cared about me and clung to people and things that never really did. I told myself that I could only be “this” happy and that was that. Luckily, the second half of the semester, I wasn’t blogging because I was rediscovering myself and all the things I could/can be- as Oprah as that sounds. And I can confidently say I have never left for ANY trip feeling as content as I do right now about my home life.
As content as I am, I need to prove to myself that I still have travel/volunteer chops. I have this deep fear that once I graduate college, I’ll never travel again. While I rationally find that to be ridiculous and untrue, I still choose to forge ahead just in case. And since no legitimate internships with in < 3000 miles away from Poughkeepsie popped up – I really didn’t have an excuse. I applied to every program and internship under the sun. I even got accepted to a few. My friends and teachers (and parents) were exasperated when they received a different answer to “What are you doing this summer?” every time they spoke to me. It took my tenacious friend Grace (teaming up with my mother) to get me to sign up for 3 weeks in Costa Rica doing one of my favorite things- construction/renovation! I get to share a host family with Grace, and though no one will ever EVER EVER rival Paquita, I am hopeful that this will be a good trip too.
Honestly, I am beyond nervous. I don’t know why. I want to go. I need to go. But I’m afraid something is going to go wrong. I have had too many lovely travel experiences. Aren’t I due for some type of disaster? I’m being insane I KNOW and once I get there I’m sure I’ll be excited and more comfortable. I’m thrilled to be speaking Spanish again and even happier that I’ll get to eat so many new delicious things. Ziplines, Volcanoes, Biodiversity. All really cool things that I never dreamed of actually doing – and Grace is there to keep me sane.
I don’t know exactly what I wanted to say in this blog post except that:
1) I am going to Costa Rica until June 23rd
2) I am going to blog daily so please read my updates. I want to make this experience part of my Praxis courses
3) I am not running away from anything or myself and maybe that’s why this seems scary/unfamiliar.
4) I love my family and friends more than I could ever awkwardly tell them. Their patience with me and their genuine excitement about what I am up to always surprises me.
5) If you are unhappy keep going. Push yourself, find people that push you, and embrace the love that comes your way. The people that love you are already here. If someone’s not there don’t worry about it
My travel mind and thoughts are opening up and hopefully I will find some insight on this trip. I have internet – so email me. And if we are good enough friends- let’s skype. Thinking of all of you! I’ll bring you back some cured meats.
"And when you run make sure you run to something and not away from..."
I have been estranged from my blog for a very long while. For about half of that while, I wasn’t writing because I was frightfully unhappy and lost. I pushed away the people that cared about me and clung to people and things that never really did. I told myself that I could only be “this” happy and that was that. Luckily, the second half of the semester, I wasn’t blogging because I was rediscovering myself and all the things I could/can be- as Oprah as that sounds. And I can confidently say I have never left for ANY trip feeling as content as I do right now about my home life.
As content as I am, I need to prove to myself that I still have travel/volunteer chops. I have this deep fear that once I graduate college, I’ll never travel again. While I rationally find that to be ridiculous and untrue, I still choose to forge ahead just in case. And since no legitimate internships with in < 3000 miles away from Poughkeepsie popped up – I really didn’t have an excuse. I applied to every program and internship under the sun. I even got accepted to a few. My friends and teachers (and parents) were exasperated when they received a different answer to “What are you doing this summer?” every time they spoke to me. It took my tenacious friend Grace (teaming up with my mother) to get me to sign up for 3 weeks in Costa Rica doing one of my favorite things- construction/renovation! I get to share a host family with Grace, and though no one will ever EVER EVER rival Paquita, I am hopeful that this will be a good trip too.
Honestly, I am beyond nervous. I don’t know why. I want to go. I need to go. But I’m afraid something is going to go wrong. I have had too many lovely travel experiences. Aren’t I due for some type of disaster? I’m being insane I KNOW and once I get there I’m sure I’ll be excited and more comfortable. I’m thrilled to be speaking Spanish again and even happier that I’ll get to eat so many new delicious things. Ziplines, Volcanoes, Biodiversity. All really cool things that I never dreamed of actually doing – and Grace is there to keep me sane.
I don’t know exactly what I wanted to say in this blog post except that:
1) I am going to Costa Rica until June 23rd
2) I am going to blog daily so please read my updates. I want to make this experience part of my Praxis courses
3) I am not running away from anything or myself and maybe that’s why this seems scary/unfamiliar.
4) I love my family and friends more than I could ever awkwardly tell them. Their patience with me and their genuine excitement about what I am up to always surprises me.
5) If you are unhappy keep going. Push yourself, find people that push you, and embrace the love that comes your way. The people that love you are already here. If someone’s not there don’t worry about it
My travel mind and thoughts are opening up and hopefully I will find some insight on this trip. I have internet – so email me. And if we are good enough friends- let’s skype. Thinking of all of you! I’ll bring you back some cured meats.
"And when you run make sure you run to something and not away from..."
Friday, April 2, 2010
Updates from Me- A Few Lessons Learned
Hi, blog. I really do miss you and all of the wise things I once had to say!
I have crawled out of the dark abyss that was January, officially. Got my passport stamped and everything. Anyway, the past two months I have been medicating myself with school, jobs, and extracurricular activities. I was self centered ( somewhat out of necessity) and I ended up inadvertently hurting most of the people that meant the most to me. I truly was clueless to all of this- which is actually worse in someways. I doubted my own ability to deal with my life and my friends ability to help me/understand/etc. I realized I operate on the extremely selfish/untrue idea that no one is invested in my actions and that my presence/lack there of is completely inconsequential. It's not healthy and it's completely inconsiderate of all the people that do care if you're around. Don't do it. So I have spent a fair amount of time apologizing for my thoughtless behavior. I know I haven't even come close to all of the apologizing I need to do but I'm trying to do better.
I don't like having to apologize but I find the actual apology process to be so helpful. We're usually so busy trying to scrounge up examples of what we are doing right, we forget how many things we may be doing wrong. Saying "yeah i totally sucked at that" to another human being is a big sign of trust, at least from me. Im giving you full permission to say " yeah you did totally suck and here's why." So if there's anything you need to apologize for to anyone, do it. Due to my unbelieveable guilt complex, a thorough apology feels like an hour of yoga afterwards.
Some more fun things that I did:
Saw my Lulu in Baltimore/DC.
I had seriously the best time with Luisa and her family on my spring break. One of the things I love about Lulu is that when she plans something she really intends on doing it. So when she invited me for spring break and sent me links to bus tickets, I knew I had to deliver. Lulu, her boyfriend Eric, and I spent 4 days just being tourists, listening to the best lite radio station ever in the taurass, and hanging out with her family, one of the highlights definitely being uncle jack and his 26 atlantic city jackpots(where does it all end?). Aunt Kitch and Aunt Reet fed us truly unreal amounts of food ( including Maryland crabs!) and gave us some stiff competition for bananagrams. We spent a day in DC, did the Aquarium, Fells Point, Federal Hill, Fort Mc Henry etc.
Lulu was the first friend I made in Spain - we were both kinda panicking and thinking we would spend the next 4 months alone. Because abroad is so unique and fake lifey, it's natural to think about friendships not translating. But as far as I'm concerned, we picked up literally right where we left off and seeing her in real life only made us better friends - salt fish fo lyfe. She is one of the funniest, smartest, most normal people I know and has had a huge impact on my slang vocabulary. Hopefully, this is one of many Emily- Lulu expeditions. Also maybe we can get matching tattoos? Welcome to forever?Just an idea.
Also I finally got my nose pierced! I had been thinking about it for about a year and I had cash for once and a willing enabler (Alana) so I went for it. Palm Sunday piercing appointment? Normal. Anyway we made our way to New Paltz, where we had originally selected a location. We got there early, went to the Muddy Cup and tried not to look too " Marist" and offend the New Paltzians. The place opened at 12 and arrived at 1215 only to be told there was no piercer there today. Sigh. Alana said " Fear not!" There was another shop in New Paltz that had a wizard on the sign. Perfect. However, apparently the wizard is Catholic, because he wasn't open on Sunday either.
I felt we had failed ultimately. I told everyone I would come back with a piercing and I wouldn't even have a caffeine buzz by the time we got back. Again Alana insisted that we not give up and hopped on her fancy phone. We saw that Kingston was fulllllllll of options and despite the fact that neither of us knew anything about Kingston and we had almost no gas left, we bravely got on the Thruway and headed north. It was a brief Thelma and Louise moment.
We wound our way through Kingston, which, as you can imagine, was not very lively at that time of day. We stumbled upon Metamorphosis first in a cool old historic Kingston house and we pounced. A really nice man named Jorian pierced my nose while his kids played on the computer in the next room. He had tattoos curling around his next and the massive gauges in his ear and was sure he would judge me for my lame, girly nose ring, but he was an unbelievably nice and soft spoken. Don't believe what anyone tells you- my piercing hurt ALOT. But I am so unbelievably thrilled with the result that it's an afterthought. Big ups to my parents for being supportive and even letting me use their car. Love those two.
That's all I've got. It's not heartfelt or full of meaning or wisdom, but I guess most of us don't get to live on the mountain top all the time.
This song is sublime.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Summer Plans
Hi everyone,
I haven't blogged in awhile, mainly because hanging out at the library and playing my flute aren't that exciting and I have been too focused on getting my act together to have too many transcendent thoughts about life. BUT I have been making some changes that will hopefully put me in a better place and orient me a little more into my purpose and put me in touch with some new, inspiring people.
I began searching for internships almost immediately upon my return from Spain. I felt pretty strongly that I needed a "work" experience- something concrete that would tell me something I would/would not like to do. My brave and wonderful parents told me I could go wherever I wanted to- the whole US! I looked online and began applying everywhere, with an emphasis on the West Coast. My internship search, much like my college search, got more and more random as I went on. There were so many things that sounded interesting to me but I had no boundaries for my search and no guarantee that I would get anything that made any sense.
Finally I felt I got some sort of mental message from the universe to stop applying. Whatever I submitted was ok and something would work out. And it did! I have two internships lined up beginning in the end of May. I will be working with a local hotel/service workers union in San Francisco and working as a quasi health care case manager in East Oakland. My feelings are a little mixed. Somehow this seems scarier than a semester abroad. This is my real life ( as opposed to abroad fake life). I'll be living all by myself and will be totally responsible for feeding and clothing myself. I will not have Paquita there to bounce all of my insecurities off of. And something tells me the streets of East Oakland won't be quite as picturesque as Salamanca.
However, the work is absolutely perfect. I'm honoring all my interests and I will get to speak Spanish! Yeah, it's in a rough urban area but shouldn't that be where people go? Do they need more people like me in already gentrified urban areas? Wouldn't a real perspective on poverty and structure be good for me? I certainly hope I am making the right decision and that this experience will be both inspiring and safe. I hope I learn how to take care of myself (really) and figure out a little bit more about who I am(a process I feel must be put on hold for now), and what Spain meant to/for me.
I need a new start, although at this point, I may be addicted to them. Marist and everything/one I have here is really really beyond great. I have opportunities to do something fulfilling everyday and people who think I'm capable/decent, despite my pervasive,underlying feeling that I'm not(which is on my list of things to work on in San Fran). However, it's a weird feeling having worked on "yourself" for so long and then trying "you" out for a while and feeling like you may have to change a few spark plugs or tighten a few gears.
I'm also afraid I may be chasing this moment of clarity and this life where I make no mistakes and am this shining example of unity between "talk" and "walk" - and as I talk to more people, that just may not be how life is. Its sounds a little nihilistic ( I think this is correct) but maybe all that security and safety I hoped for doesn't exist. People get fired, people get sick, people you love leave you, people you thought love you never did, friends change, you change, and I guess that's ok. People also get hired, people are cured, people you love never leave you or always come back, people surprise you with their kindness, friends change with you, and the little kernel of goodness inside you never changes
I need to be more comfortable with the give and take and realize that this ME is a process and one I've done ok with so far. As I said to my mom, " At least I'm not dating a drug dealer." The only way I know to feel empowered again is to throw myself into a new and completely over my head experience that I am completely unprepared for and the next one begins on May 20th!
I haven't blogged in awhile, mainly because hanging out at the library and playing my flute aren't that exciting and I have been too focused on getting my act together to have too many transcendent thoughts about life. BUT I have been making some changes that will hopefully put me in a better place and orient me a little more into my purpose and put me in touch with some new, inspiring people.
I began searching for internships almost immediately upon my return from Spain. I felt pretty strongly that I needed a "work" experience- something concrete that would tell me something I would/would not like to do. My brave and wonderful parents told me I could go wherever I wanted to- the whole US! I looked online and began applying everywhere, with an emphasis on the West Coast. My internship search, much like my college search, got more and more random as I went on. There were so many things that sounded interesting to me but I had no boundaries for my search and no guarantee that I would get anything that made any sense.
Finally I felt I got some sort of mental message from the universe to stop applying. Whatever I submitted was ok and something would work out. And it did! I have two internships lined up beginning in the end of May. I will be working with a local hotel/service workers union in San Francisco and working as a quasi health care case manager in East Oakland. My feelings are a little mixed. Somehow this seems scarier than a semester abroad. This is my real life ( as opposed to abroad fake life). I'll be living all by myself and will be totally responsible for feeding and clothing myself. I will not have Paquita there to bounce all of my insecurities off of. And something tells me the streets of East Oakland won't be quite as picturesque as Salamanca.
However, the work is absolutely perfect. I'm honoring all my interests and I will get to speak Spanish! Yeah, it's in a rough urban area but shouldn't that be where people go? Do they need more people like me in already gentrified urban areas? Wouldn't a real perspective on poverty and structure be good for me? I certainly hope I am making the right decision and that this experience will be both inspiring and safe. I hope I learn how to take care of myself (really) and figure out a little bit more about who I am(a process I feel must be put on hold for now), and what Spain meant to/for me.
I need a new start, although at this point, I may be addicted to them. Marist and everything/one I have here is really really beyond great. I have opportunities to do something fulfilling everyday and people who think I'm capable/decent, despite my pervasive,underlying feeling that I'm not(which is on my list of things to work on in San Fran). However, it's a weird feeling having worked on "yourself" for so long and then trying "you" out for a while and feeling like you may have to change a few spark plugs or tighten a few gears.
I'm also afraid I may be chasing this moment of clarity and this life where I make no mistakes and am this shining example of unity between "talk" and "walk" - and as I talk to more people, that just may not be how life is. Its sounds a little nihilistic ( I think this is correct) but maybe all that security and safety I hoped for doesn't exist. People get fired, people get sick, people you love leave you, people you thought love you never did, friends change, you change, and I guess that's ok. People also get hired, people are cured, people you love never leave you or always come back, people surprise you with their kindness, friends change with you, and the little kernel of goodness inside you never changes
I need to be more comfortable with the give and take and realize that this ME is a process and one I've done ok with so far. As I said to my mom, " At least I'm not dating a drug dealer." The only way I know to feel empowered again is to throw myself into a new and completely over my head experience that I am completely unprepared for and the next one begins on May 20th!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
There's a great big, beautiful tomorrow
If being home was weird, being in Disney World was weirder. Definitely don’t plan your trip to Disney right after your trip to Europe. Dare I say the magic is tarnished? I guess there is no shame in spending a little time wallowing in licensed merchandise, mass produced food, and subtle gender/race stereotypes. There really is no place more American. I won’t spill anymore bitterness all over Mickey’s spectro-dreams wishes and sparkle parade, but I will say DEFINITELY avoid EPCOT. The Eiffel Tour is way cooler in real life and your visit will not be narrated by Martin Short. When we were in Cordoba, we had to visit a large shopping center around Christmas and it was complete and total over stimulation. After about 5 minutes, all of us were inexplicably cranky and Helen turned to me and said “ Is this what going home is going to feel like?” And the answer is yes- if your roommates wear oversized white gloves and red shorts. Disney is a terrible place to reflect and get your feet on the ground. Mickey is a terrible listener, contrary to popular belief. Apparently they don’t have a lot of room for doubt and nostalgia among all the “spirit” and “magic”. The songs aren’t A Whole New World ( of Financial Instability) or I Just Can’t Wait to be Sing(le and Unemployed).
But Disney wasn’t all bad. I got a Darth Vader airbrush tattoo, had some emotional “return to music moments,” formed the core 4, and got to reconnect with a few very important people in a “Marist Lite” environment. Also it gave me and Poughkeepsie a little break as we get to know each other again. Florida is definitely not my state – bad coffee and bad foliage. Being home in Casa Fio is very nice too- my family missed me – even Julie! We had a very nice sister moment as we rapped Grillz and the Welcome to Atlanta Coast 2 Coast Remix together at a coffee shop. They are being very patient with my “Hansel and Gretel” life style. I leave water glasses, books, Cds, pens, and sweatshirts behind me all day. If I was ever implicated in a crime or went missing, it would be very easy to retrace my steps.
Alas, I seem to come home to even more undecided decisions and this new feeling that I have nothing to hide behind anymore- every responsibility and task before me this semester is significant. My classes are very relevant to that foggy career lurking ahead ( it appears to me as though through one of those misty 70s lenses) and there are less corners that I will be able to cut. My extracurriculars revolve almost entirely around ESL- something that kinda happened to me by accident but I take it very seriously. Ive said it before but we affect one of the most basic parts of life- language and communication. There isn’t busy work or pushing paper. Oh and then there’s band. A personal/social life and maintaining my health would be nice too. Phew- quasi adulthood is odd.
Cliché simile time! Landing back in New York, I felt like a brand new notebook ( buying a new notebook is sublime for me). It’s crisp and clean and not yet mangled by the tangle of things living at the bottom of your backpack. You pick it up and let the empty pages fan your face, inhaling all the possibilities. You promise yourself you will take really neat notes this semester. But eventually you have to take the new notebook to class. You have to scribble in it, shove it in your backpack, and hold it in your teeth while you unlock your locker. And someone will probably put their big soggy sandwich on your new notebook. It’s all part of the brutal reality of notebook ownership.
In the days before I actually return to school (not aforementioned simile school) I fear for my proverbial notebook. I don’t know if I feel like the take no prisoners, assertive Emily with time for seemingly everything and anyone that I was. I spent 4 months shredding my old notebook page by page and that notebook was an overstuffed mess. I’d like to be very careful about what I fill my notebook with now that I am home. Everyday as I look around at all of the things I’ve collected ( Dave Matthews Cds? Backed issues of Teen People? Really?), I can only think
“I don’t want this.”
I feel the same way about most of my emotional and mental things too. I don’t know how much I want back. No one leaves home to come back the same. So I guess you could call this the editing phase, which is probably not very much fun for my friends or my blog readers (weren’t we in Rome last week?). I have a tendency to act in extremes – so I am fighting the urge to reject everything or jump totally back into the flow of my pre Spain life. I’m afraid of a lot more things than I will ever admit publicly. I want this semester to be a recollection of sorts, getting ready to go out and make the life I want. Sometimes I wish I could just let all of these daily existential crises go and just suck on a smoothie at the mall, but I’m not ready to do that just yet. Feeling uncomfortable feels right and I’m going to do my best to make Paquita proud in the meantime.
But Disney wasn’t all bad. I got a Darth Vader airbrush tattoo, had some emotional “return to music moments,” formed the core 4, and got to reconnect with a few very important people in a “Marist Lite” environment. Also it gave me and Poughkeepsie a little break as we get to know each other again. Florida is definitely not my state – bad coffee and bad foliage. Being home in Casa Fio is very nice too- my family missed me – even Julie! We had a very nice sister moment as we rapped Grillz and the Welcome to Atlanta Coast 2 Coast Remix together at a coffee shop. They are being very patient with my “Hansel and Gretel” life style. I leave water glasses, books, Cds, pens, and sweatshirts behind me all day. If I was ever implicated in a crime or went missing, it would be very easy to retrace my steps.
Alas, I seem to come home to even more undecided decisions and this new feeling that I have nothing to hide behind anymore- every responsibility and task before me this semester is significant. My classes are very relevant to that foggy career lurking ahead ( it appears to me as though through one of those misty 70s lenses) and there are less corners that I will be able to cut. My extracurriculars revolve almost entirely around ESL- something that kinda happened to me by accident but I take it very seriously. Ive said it before but we affect one of the most basic parts of life- language and communication. There isn’t busy work or pushing paper. Oh and then there’s band. A personal/social life and maintaining my health would be nice too. Phew- quasi adulthood is odd.
Cliché simile time! Landing back in New York, I felt like a brand new notebook ( buying a new notebook is sublime for me). It’s crisp and clean and not yet mangled by the tangle of things living at the bottom of your backpack. You pick it up and let the empty pages fan your face, inhaling all the possibilities. You promise yourself you will take really neat notes this semester. But eventually you have to take the new notebook to class. You have to scribble in it, shove it in your backpack, and hold it in your teeth while you unlock your locker. And someone will probably put their big soggy sandwich on your new notebook. It’s all part of the brutal reality of notebook ownership.
In the days before I actually return to school (not aforementioned simile school) I fear for my proverbial notebook. I don’t know if I feel like the take no prisoners, assertive Emily with time for seemingly everything and anyone that I was. I spent 4 months shredding my old notebook page by page and that notebook was an overstuffed mess. I’d like to be very careful about what I fill my notebook with now that I am home. Everyday as I look around at all of the things I’ve collected ( Dave Matthews Cds? Backed issues of Teen People? Really?), I can only think
“I don’t want this.”
I feel the same way about most of my emotional and mental things too. I don’t know how much I want back. No one leaves home to come back the same. So I guess you could call this the editing phase, which is probably not very much fun for my friends or my blog readers (weren’t we in Rome last week?). I have a tendency to act in extremes – so I am fighting the urge to reject everything or jump totally back into the flow of my pre Spain life. I’m afraid of a lot more things than I will ever admit publicly. I want this semester to be a recollection of sorts, getting ready to go out and make the life I want. Sometimes I wish I could just let all of these daily existential crises go and just suck on a smoothie at the mall, but I’m not ready to do that just yet. Feeling uncomfortable feels right and I’m going to do my best to make Paquita proud in the meantime.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Thought I was going to unpack but really i'm repacking for next year
Hey all. I am very sorry we have been out of contact for so long. I committed the number one offense of study abroad bloggers- not updating. I used to get so angry at those people – how dare they? I first experienced the phenomenon of not being able to physically blog about something in Barcelona and the time after. I desperately wanted to write something because my aunt and uncle were nice enough to take me and they are even nicer enough to read my blog. So the least I could do was give them a post about our trip together. Maybe because I feel like my better posts come from conflict, doubt, guilt, etc, I just didn’t feel like I had anything to write about. I mean, “We had an unforgettable time and I was sublimely happy” isn’t much of a post. But that’s how I kept feeling First about Barcelona, then my parent’s visit, then Rome, then Cordoba and Granada, then London and Wales. I was so happy and carefree during the trips that I had no mental space left to store up little witticisms that I would sprinkle my blog with. We encountered just as many randos and mishaps as usual, if not more and I hope I don’t forget all the tiny, beautiful things that happened to me over the course of those days. Sharing my thoughts and doubts with you has been one of the most therapeutic experiences I could have imagined. Call me cold and emotionally unavailable, I find it hard to sit across from someone, look them in the eye, and share something personal. It felt better to put all my mental twitches and the beautiful ribbons of my travel times into this vessel of a blog and send it out into the cyber waves. I got to color it with my carefully crafted chuckles and crystallize it in my own memory exactly how I wanted it. It’s been comforting that the people that read have enjoyed it and even more, identified with the things I was writing. I can’t say the blog hasn’t brought anything bad or unexpected, but it is far and away worth all the trouble.
The last few weeks of Spain were sublime. I think I’ll keep them to myself for a little while, hold them close while I can. But I can already see the day when I will want to send those memories out into the cyber void – away from me like paper cranes. I think I may even have enough for a series of short stories, which I would love and I think would be a more fitting medium for some of the more seminal experiences of my time away and my life. So if you want to know about any of the above mentioned trips, you’ll either have to wait for the compilation or ask me in person- whichever one seems less painful to you.
I was going to write this post – Unpacking – about my transition back to good ol’ Poughkeepsie, which has been appropriately difficult. Alas, I still feel too in the thick of my reverse culture shock to reflect adequately (if I had to marry a grammatical form, I would undoubtedly choose adverbs). So I am going to write my end of the year wrap up here, instead of my usual and less respectable facebook note. I have a hard time remembering Emily in January 2009- although I’m fairly sure I was miserable and insecure. I was in the height of self doubt and anxiety. I had no idea who I wanted to become but I know I didn’t want to be the drunk, mindless freshman that I had let myself become. I was very wrapped up in what people thought of me and what “the rules” were. I was living with some of my best friends and one of the biggest “challenges” I had ever faced. I was refusing to acknowledge the support systems I did have in place and as a result, felt very much alone. I didn’t believe in God or science or anything in between and was burdened with all of those big questions that came along with that. Sophomore year was the college equivalent of 7th grade for me- miserable, physically awkward, and generally devoid of sense or happiness- at least for a bit.
I’d like to say I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps and take all the credit for the person I am right now, who, although vastly and tragically incomplete and flawed, I am very proud of. But I am here because of all the people who chose to love me and be patient with me. I feel powerful and I feel like I’m squarely on my own twisted little life trail. I’ve accepted some of my limitations and am still bitterly fighting others to the death. I am having a great time being just the right amount of jaded and clutching all the idealistic bubbles floating around my head. I am sorry for anything or anyone I neglected or hurt on this absolutely essential quest to find myself. I tried my best to minimize the effect but I know I didn’t totally succeed. I can be obnoxious and overbearing and sometimes I am very bad at pretending to listen. But as I type, I cannot really think of anyone I hate or would delete from my life or experience. I would hug each of you if I could, even the people I screamed and fought with. I have had this time to be unabashedly and unapologetically me but I hope and feel that the pendulum is swinging back the other way and I can get back( or begin) to be a little bit less selfish and focus on some of the big, more important things that I worried about before I had this year long crisis of self.
So one of the things I have accepted about myself is my neuroses- I actually think they’re kinda adorable. Neurotics like lists – we can process those. So I’d like to present you with two lists to sum up my 2009.
A smattering of things I learned
1. You have to learn to be everything for yourself. Don’t depend on anyone to take care of you, think for you, make decisions for you, or make you feel important or valid. You will always be there for you and sometimes even your very best friend or significant other can’t be there. Once you have the realization that YOU are all you really need, you are free to have less burdened relationships with other people. It’s exhausting for both parties when you have to be each other’s TOTALLYEVERYTHING FOR ALLTIMEOMG.
2. That being said let people help you. For as many totally shitty things that people do to each other, so many people think that you are worth their time and energy. If you have accomplished item #1, it’s easy to think that other people have no use or place in your life. Yeah, you don’t NEED anyone but they make all this being a 20ish person a whole lot easier- and don’t you want somebody around?
3. Embrace uncertainty while you have it. I hope that I don’t experience total stability and clarity for a very long time. In fact Im pretty sure those are sure signs that you are already dead. Now is the time to drift and explore and love something or someone so much that you can’t stand it. Now is the time to shave your head or go some place that makes your parents just a little bit nervous. Now is the time to think about your place in the world and the person you want to be. I never really believed before this year that we only get to do all this stuff once. I only get one chance to decide who Emily Fiore is going to be. That’s a ton of things to be confused and overwhelmed about. Clarity and stability is for the people that have stopped caring and stopped looking around. Yeah I have no idea what I am doing most of the time, but that should be a comforting feeling.
4. When you’re ready, fall in love and give it everything you have. Really fall in love and don’t confuse it for anything else. Love is probably not at Hatters. Love doesn’t just make you want to say things, it makes you want to DO something. If you can live without it, for even a day, that’s not it. Love let’s you change and be whoever you want and do everything you ever thought of doing. It might get taken away from you, or you might found out you were mistaken, and that’s probably going to be the worst thing that has ever happened to you. But in order to be a person, you have to have at least tried to love someone.
5. Don’t be afraid to lay down “who you are” for awhile. By that I mean the activities and titles that we try to quantify our value. I set down academic Emily, flute Emily, ESL Emily, Praxis Emily, family member Emily, swing dancer Emily, and a whole slew of Emilys for 4 months. It’s actually very fun. You don’t disappear into a poof of smoke, all the important people still love you, the world keeps turning, and you get a chance to decide what you care about.
6. Give your full attention to the people and places that are right in front of you. Even if you are talking to Stan, who has no control over his vocal volume and thinks that variation in paper texture is interesting, he is the most important person in the world at the moment. Don’t try to be anywhere else or plan what you are going to get at the Caf. Stan deserves your full attention and so does that river you pass everyday going to class, the janitor that cleans your classroom, your grandpa, and that perfect leaf that landed on your windshield. It really sucks to be on the receiving end of a person who basically wants you to disappear.
7. I’d say about 90% of most things are completely out of your control- including the length of the previews at the movies, if your flight arrives on time, how much gas costs, when Oprah decides to end her talk show, etc. Life is going to change- if you’re happy or sad right now, chances are it will be different in a few months. Accept the fact that some things are just going to happen to you and it’s not your job to wish away time, disappear into a hole, and get past it. It’s your job to totally immerse yourself in whatever that emotion or state is and take what you can from it. When you stop trying to control other people and inanimate objects, you are able to concentrate on the 10% of things you CAN control and those are actually the important things : how you treat other people, the things you spend your time and money on, what you put into your body and mind, who you spend time with, what you can do to help etc.
8. I don’t know anything. Set down your 20 year old ego and your barrels full of wisdom and realize that we aren’t even halfway there. Like not even close. We don’t even know where there is yet. By nothing I mean NOTHING.
9. Most days, I’m not too hideous and neither are you. Give yourself a break- no one really cares how you manage your cuticles.
10. People are going to change and if you expect to maintain any sort of relationship with anyone, you’re gonna have to let them. Think how difficult this “becoming who you are” business is for you. Well it’s at least as hard for everyone else.
11. We are here to create things and help people.
12. Let it ride.
13. When in doubt, Paquita is probably the right person to ask. She can at least yell at someone for you or offer you some fried veal.
Things I would like to Learn/ Do
1. To prioritize and balance things better
2. To find a new medium to express myself- maybe a new instrument?
3. To be a lot kinder and a little gentler.
4. Listen more.
5. Don’t rush.
6. Plan ahead.
7. Figure out who God is, if he/she’s around.
8. Count to 10 before I react.
9. Stand up for myself a little bit more. Sometimes you should suffer things silently, other times you shouldn’t
10. Curse a little bit less.
11. Love someone and be loved back. And let a few more people into my head.
12. To say thank you more often.
13. My cause. Something I can fight for.
14. Portuguese.
15. Get an internship in a cool city.
16. Publish something.
17. Make sure this list is always longer than the first one.
Ok that’s enough you get the idea. This blog is going to change a lot. Instead of weekends galavanting throughout Europe, there will be many more weekends in the library and on my couch. But that’s beautiful too. To anyone reading and to everyone that has ever read, chances are I love you in completely unreasonable quantities and that if you ever asked, I’d be wherever you are in a heartbeat. 2009 has squeezed every last drop out of me and I hope you figured out a few things too- but not too many.
The last few weeks of Spain were sublime. I think I’ll keep them to myself for a little while, hold them close while I can. But I can already see the day when I will want to send those memories out into the cyber void – away from me like paper cranes. I think I may even have enough for a series of short stories, which I would love and I think would be a more fitting medium for some of the more seminal experiences of my time away and my life. So if you want to know about any of the above mentioned trips, you’ll either have to wait for the compilation or ask me in person- whichever one seems less painful to you.
I was going to write this post – Unpacking – about my transition back to good ol’ Poughkeepsie, which has been appropriately difficult. Alas, I still feel too in the thick of my reverse culture shock to reflect adequately (if I had to marry a grammatical form, I would undoubtedly choose adverbs). So I am going to write my end of the year wrap up here, instead of my usual and less respectable facebook note. I have a hard time remembering Emily in January 2009- although I’m fairly sure I was miserable and insecure. I was in the height of self doubt and anxiety. I had no idea who I wanted to become but I know I didn’t want to be the drunk, mindless freshman that I had let myself become. I was very wrapped up in what people thought of me and what “the rules” were. I was living with some of my best friends and one of the biggest “challenges” I had ever faced. I was refusing to acknowledge the support systems I did have in place and as a result, felt very much alone. I didn’t believe in God or science or anything in between and was burdened with all of those big questions that came along with that. Sophomore year was the college equivalent of 7th grade for me- miserable, physically awkward, and generally devoid of sense or happiness- at least for a bit.
I’d like to say I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps and take all the credit for the person I am right now, who, although vastly and tragically incomplete and flawed, I am very proud of. But I am here because of all the people who chose to love me and be patient with me. I feel powerful and I feel like I’m squarely on my own twisted little life trail. I’ve accepted some of my limitations and am still bitterly fighting others to the death. I am having a great time being just the right amount of jaded and clutching all the idealistic bubbles floating around my head. I am sorry for anything or anyone I neglected or hurt on this absolutely essential quest to find myself. I tried my best to minimize the effect but I know I didn’t totally succeed. I can be obnoxious and overbearing and sometimes I am very bad at pretending to listen. But as I type, I cannot really think of anyone I hate or would delete from my life or experience. I would hug each of you if I could, even the people I screamed and fought with. I have had this time to be unabashedly and unapologetically me but I hope and feel that the pendulum is swinging back the other way and I can get back( or begin) to be a little bit less selfish and focus on some of the big, more important things that I worried about before I had this year long crisis of self.
So one of the things I have accepted about myself is my neuroses- I actually think they’re kinda adorable. Neurotics like lists – we can process those. So I’d like to present you with two lists to sum up my 2009.
A smattering of things I learned
1. You have to learn to be everything for yourself. Don’t depend on anyone to take care of you, think for you, make decisions for you, or make you feel important or valid. You will always be there for you and sometimes even your very best friend or significant other can’t be there. Once you have the realization that YOU are all you really need, you are free to have less burdened relationships with other people. It’s exhausting for both parties when you have to be each other’s TOTALLYEVERYTHING FOR ALLTIMEOMG.
2. That being said let people help you. For as many totally shitty things that people do to each other, so many people think that you are worth their time and energy. If you have accomplished item #1, it’s easy to think that other people have no use or place in your life. Yeah, you don’t NEED anyone but they make all this being a 20ish person a whole lot easier- and don’t you want somebody around?
3. Embrace uncertainty while you have it. I hope that I don’t experience total stability and clarity for a very long time. In fact Im pretty sure those are sure signs that you are already dead. Now is the time to drift and explore and love something or someone so much that you can’t stand it. Now is the time to shave your head or go some place that makes your parents just a little bit nervous. Now is the time to think about your place in the world and the person you want to be. I never really believed before this year that we only get to do all this stuff once. I only get one chance to decide who Emily Fiore is going to be. That’s a ton of things to be confused and overwhelmed about. Clarity and stability is for the people that have stopped caring and stopped looking around. Yeah I have no idea what I am doing most of the time, but that should be a comforting feeling.
4. When you’re ready, fall in love and give it everything you have. Really fall in love and don’t confuse it for anything else. Love is probably not at Hatters. Love doesn’t just make you want to say things, it makes you want to DO something. If you can live without it, for even a day, that’s not it. Love let’s you change and be whoever you want and do everything you ever thought of doing. It might get taken away from you, or you might found out you were mistaken, and that’s probably going to be the worst thing that has ever happened to you. But in order to be a person, you have to have at least tried to love someone.
5. Don’t be afraid to lay down “who you are” for awhile. By that I mean the activities and titles that we try to quantify our value. I set down academic Emily, flute Emily, ESL Emily, Praxis Emily, family member Emily, swing dancer Emily, and a whole slew of Emilys for 4 months. It’s actually very fun. You don’t disappear into a poof of smoke, all the important people still love you, the world keeps turning, and you get a chance to decide what you care about.
6. Give your full attention to the people and places that are right in front of you. Even if you are talking to Stan, who has no control over his vocal volume and thinks that variation in paper texture is interesting, he is the most important person in the world at the moment. Don’t try to be anywhere else or plan what you are going to get at the Caf. Stan deserves your full attention and so does that river you pass everyday going to class, the janitor that cleans your classroom, your grandpa, and that perfect leaf that landed on your windshield. It really sucks to be on the receiving end of a person who basically wants you to disappear.
7. I’d say about 90% of most things are completely out of your control- including the length of the previews at the movies, if your flight arrives on time, how much gas costs, when Oprah decides to end her talk show, etc. Life is going to change- if you’re happy or sad right now, chances are it will be different in a few months. Accept the fact that some things are just going to happen to you and it’s not your job to wish away time, disappear into a hole, and get past it. It’s your job to totally immerse yourself in whatever that emotion or state is and take what you can from it. When you stop trying to control other people and inanimate objects, you are able to concentrate on the 10% of things you CAN control and those are actually the important things : how you treat other people, the things you spend your time and money on, what you put into your body and mind, who you spend time with, what you can do to help etc.
8. I don’t know anything. Set down your 20 year old ego and your barrels full of wisdom and realize that we aren’t even halfway there. Like not even close. We don’t even know where there is yet. By nothing I mean NOTHING.
9. Most days, I’m not too hideous and neither are you. Give yourself a break- no one really cares how you manage your cuticles.
10. People are going to change and if you expect to maintain any sort of relationship with anyone, you’re gonna have to let them. Think how difficult this “becoming who you are” business is for you. Well it’s at least as hard for everyone else.
11. We are here to create things and help people.
12. Let it ride.
13. When in doubt, Paquita is probably the right person to ask. She can at least yell at someone for you or offer you some fried veal.
Things I would like to Learn/ Do
1. To prioritize and balance things better
2. To find a new medium to express myself- maybe a new instrument?
3. To be a lot kinder and a little gentler.
4. Listen more.
5. Don’t rush.
6. Plan ahead.
7. Figure out who God is, if he/she’s around.
8. Count to 10 before I react.
9. Stand up for myself a little bit more. Sometimes you should suffer things silently, other times you shouldn’t
10. Curse a little bit less.
11. Love someone and be loved back. And let a few more people into my head.
12. To say thank you more often.
13. My cause. Something I can fight for.
14. Portuguese.
15. Get an internship in a cool city.
16. Publish something.
17. Make sure this list is always longer than the first one.
Ok that’s enough you get the idea. This blog is going to change a lot. Instead of weekends galavanting throughout Europe, there will be many more weekends in the library and on my couch. But that’s beautiful too. To anyone reading and to everyone that has ever read, chances are I love you in completely unreasonable quantities and that if you ever asked, I’d be wherever you are in a heartbeat. 2009 has squeezed every last drop out of me and I hope you figured out a few things too- but not too many.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)