Summer Plans

Hi everyone,

I haven't blogged in awhile, mainly because hanging out at the library and playing my flute aren't that exciting and I have been too focused on getting my act together to have too many transcendent thoughts about life. BUT I have been making some changes that will hopefully put me in a better place and orient me a little more into my purpose and put me in touch with some new, inspiring people.

I began searching for internships almost immediately upon my return from Spain. I felt pretty strongly that I needed a "work" experience- something concrete that would tell me something I would/would not like to do. My brave and wonderful parents told me I could go wherever I wanted to- the whole US! I looked online and began applying everywhere, with an emphasis on the West Coast. My internship search, much like my college search, got more and more random as I went on. There were so many things that sounded interesting to me but I had no boundaries for my search and no guarantee that I would get anything that made any sense.

Finally I felt I got some sort of mental message from the universe to stop applying. Whatever I submitted was ok and something would work out. And it did! I have two internships lined up beginning in the end of May. I will be working with a local hotel/service workers union in San Francisco and working as a quasi health care case manager in East Oakland. My feelings are a little mixed. Somehow this seems scarier than a semester abroad. This is my real life ( as opposed to abroad fake life). I'll be living all by myself and will be totally responsible for feeding and clothing myself. I will not have Paquita there to bounce all of my insecurities off of. And something tells me the streets of East Oakland won't be quite as picturesque as Salamanca.

However, the work is absolutely perfect. I'm honoring all my interests and I will get to speak Spanish! Yeah, it's in a rough urban area but shouldn't that be where people go? Do they need more people like me in already gentrified urban areas? Wouldn't a real perspective on poverty and structure be good for me? I certainly hope I am making the right decision and that this experience will be both inspiring and safe. I hope I learn how to take care of myself (really) and figure out a little bit more about who I am(a process I feel must be put on hold for now), and what Spain meant to/for me.

I need a new start, although at this point, I may be addicted to them. Marist and everything/one I have here is really really beyond great. I have opportunities to do something fulfilling everyday and people who think I'm capable/decent, despite my pervasive,underlying feeling that I'm not(which is on my list of things to work on in San Fran). However, it's a weird feeling having worked on "yourself" for so long and then trying "you" out for a while and feeling like you may have to change a few spark plugs or tighten a few gears.

I'm also afraid I may be chasing this moment of clarity and this life where I make no mistakes and am this shining example of unity between "talk" and "walk" - and as I talk to more people, that just may not be how life is. Its sounds a little nihilistic ( I think this is correct) but maybe all that security and safety I hoped for doesn't exist. People get fired, people get sick, people you love leave you, people you thought love you never did, friends change, you change, and I guess that's ok. People also get hired, people are cured, people you love never leave you or always come back, people surprise you with their kindness, friends change with you, and the little kernel of goodness inside you never changes

I need to be more comfortable with the give and take and realize that this ME is a process and one I've done ok with so far. As I said to my mom, " At least I'm not dating a drug dealer." The only way I know to feel empowered again is to throw myself into a new and completely over my head experience that I am completely unprepared for and the next one begins on May 20th!