God, I am tedious.

What type of sick, twisted narcissist re-reads her own blog?

This one.

Sorry. I have a few blogs coming up about current events. Please bear with me: existential crises are best served blog.


I have never liked things that I can't control - I found the idea of Santa disturbing from day one. A bearded stranger bearing unmarked packages? When did I approve this? But my mother (the ultimate control junkie) sympathized with me, as I was constantly encountering something that I felt was unfair. I've learned to cope, finding small comforts in knitting, an acerbic tongue, and VH1 series. I still feel like someone missed a few lines in theHTML code of life. I encounter more error messages than I'd like- I'm still pushing Santa back up the chimney everyday. I find pockets of patience, little ways to feel like I have some say in my own destiny.

But sometimes I run out of patience and I find the human condition completely offensive and nonsensical. It can make a girl feel a whole lot like this:




Leaving out all the terrible things that people have to deal with: hunger, poverty, oppression, prejudice, sickness, just being a normal old person is pretty much the hardest thing I can imagine. What is more out of your control than being alive. It's easy to feel trapped, but who would ever want to leave it?

So we're here. Now what?

It's kind of a lonely business being a person. So we find people to help us forget that we are lonely. We care about them. We end up caring about a sizable number of people over a lifetime. And very few of those people stay with us, for whatever reason. Falling in love is particularly tricky. You are flooded with this incredible feeling - a body high that makes us entirely sure that we could never be alone now. And we enter into this mutual gushyness with a mutual understanding that it probably won't last. One or both will be hurt and someday you will just be an entry in the other's journal- an anecdote to tell, another name to remember. Again, when did I approve of this? It doesn't seem fair at all that we end up loving way more people than can ever love us back?

Here's my big problem: I want to love everyone all the time. I don't like this business of people passing through. I want to have my first grade crush, my next door neighbor, my roommate, the band,the rabbi, my family, and everyone around me so nothing changes. No one is lost or forgotten. I get attached to people and places -probably more than makes sense and I don't know how to manage holding onto everyone.

That's scary. Every once in awhile a little bit of light reaches my black,communist soul and I think " Fuck. I have a lot to lose. And chances are I'll lose most of it eventually. One day I will definitely lose all of it." If there is one terribly morbid thing I know - no matter what you believe - we all have to face death by ourselves. Someone much nicer than me said, " Well doesn't that make you appreciate things/people/feelings more?" Frankly, not most days. It makes me want to move to Moscow and hide. Maybe start making my own vodka. Becoming a social recluse sometimes seems easier than the constant inevitably drifting. At least I could maybe get a historical site out of the deal " the hermit of helinski" I like it.

These ideas don't have a big resolution because it still makes me sad almost everyday. My mom assured me, " I was alone for a long time. Yes, it is easier, but it is definitely not better." I try to make sure I tell and show people that I love them - I love all of whoever you are and I always will. No matter how much you hurt me or forget me, I will still love to hear how you are doing years from now. Other people's lives are important to me, so I don't really have a choice to withdraw. If I am clingy, its because I know you're going to leave me. If I'm distant, I'm scared about how hard that will be. Yes, sometimes I feel stuck in this weird wheel that crunches together loving and leaving. But maybe that's part of loving someone - realizing that we're all on our lonely way to somewhere or someone else. The company in the meantime is just about the best you could ask for.

The Not-At-All Odd Couple

The two people (under 30) that I admire the most happen to be madly, deeply, sensibly, and understandbly in love with each other. I love them. I love their relationship. I love how they treat people both individually and together. I love seeing both of them happy. Whether they know it or not they are my examples and the people I look to for most of the big things, ideas, and concepts in my life. One of them I was destined/fated/doomed to know and love and the other I met because of the good judgement of the other and it just so happens I love him almost as much as I love her. Julie and Jimmy, this one is for you.

I figure I’ll start with why and how I like each of you separately and then go into why you both together has just a synergistical effect on the whole thing.

Julie is someone who has mystified me from birth. Quiet, either by choice or because of the pacifier in her mouth, you sat back and watched while I boradcasted my every feeling, thought, and worry to the rest of the world. I thought she was strange, mainly because I didn’t know how to relate to her. As we got older, I resented the fact that we shared a room and that you seemed to be so much more together and competent than I was- an awkward, insecure, impulsive geek. I tell pretty much everyone that I cannot really account for Julie’s presence between 1999 -2005. She was floating off in Julie-land -a place none of us were allowed. We never fought, but we both understood ( i hope) that we had to settle into our own orbits for a little bit.

Now that we are older, I still find myself rather in awe of Julie - who seems to have all the dedication and levelheadedness that I lack. I’m glad our relationship has progressed as it has, because I was not a very likable person up until very recently and I have always felt like I had to earn her respect. I envy and admire how much she thinks for herself and knows so clearly what she feels, thinks, and wants. She is able to filter through all the bullshit that comes her way and find the little nugget of relevance. Julie is much more kind and honest with people( including our parents) than I have the courage to be on a daily basis. Julie-land still exists and I’m proud to say I know a little more about it lately. She can keep a secret better than anyone else.We’re really not as bad of sisters as we make ourselves out to be and if I met Julie as someone other than my sister, she is really someone I would want to be my friend. Her dedication to her causes and what she thinks is right inspires me as I eke out my own little humanitarian path. People take Julie seriously, but she has some inspired moments of humor and goofiness that I like equally as much.

And Julie has brought me one of the best friends anyone could ever hope for. I remember the first time Jimmy and I acknowledged each other’s presence. We were in that weird front room of Lourdes waiting for rides. Jimmy pointed to me and looked away quickly, whispering something hurriedly to Jay. I was suspicious, but he was already in the beginning stages of things with Julie and didn’t want to make a bad impression on me with any after school shenanigans. Jimmy has been Julie’s boyfriend for almost 5 years and he is honestly one of the most intelligent, funny, talented,wise, and principled people I have ever met -he could make Nelson Mandela look like Pauly D. Something about Jimmy is literary - he is almost too much of a wonderful anomaly to have been created by accident. He seems to walk through life, which hasn’t always been kind to him, with the poise of a main character. I am convinced that Jimmy knows something we don’t- he sees things differently, expresses them differently, and just loves whatever he does with every inch of himself. I am on a constant quest to keep Jimmy’s respect - he did buy me my first light up, action noise lightsabers after all. I know that I can call Jimmy at anytime with any problem ( he fielded my call at 1am when I was stranded and lost at JFK) and he will advise me perfectly and effortlessly. Watching him embrace my family and vice versa has been beautiful to watch over the past few years.

Julie and Jimmy make each other happy. Their relationship is “old love” - there are no illusions, but they believe in themselves just as fiercely as they believe in everything else . Sometimes I think I avoided relationships for so long because I couldn’t hope to measure up to what they have. They have taught me what a functional relationship is and what mutual respect looks like. I want them to make each other happy for as long as they can and hopefully I get to be around for some of it. I hope you get to make each other tea and play funny songs on the guitar together for a long time. I am so supremely grateful for each of you and for what you have together. Don’t let the big world get you- everything you have and everything you are is worth fighting for.