Yes, but no not really

I think that there are two of all of us. Not in the “be reunited on Oprah 40 years later” two of us, but two versions of ourselves. There is the self that we button up every morning – we wake up and remember the person that we are out there. Oh yeah, I’m ---- and I am a functioning member of society. I have classes and a job and responsibilities and people who I care about and who care about me. I mean something to someone and my presence makes things easier for other people. I don’t have problems or insecurities, or at least none important enough to warrant any time or attention – after all I have many things to do. Or at least that’s how it generally goes for me. I wake up and put myself together like so many Lincoln Logs, until I become the overcommitted, loud, frizzy haired person that stomps around Poughkeepsie. I don’t really think it’s just me either – I think lots of people wake up every day, look in the mirror, and say “ I’m a lawyer/mother/student/singer/etc. and I am supposed to do XYZ.” How could anyone be expected to leave the warm grooves of their bed if there was no role to fill?

The other self is elusive and not as much fun. This self was the weird kid in your orientation group that you prayed wouldn’t be your roommate. This self has been broken up with, has said something stupid, feels weird about its relationship with its parents, doesn’t know what to do with its life, is not really sure if/why anyone likes it, is scared of failing, has a secret, is dissatisfied but doesn’t know why. I think this is the self we kinda fall asleep with. We peel off our superhero spandex (not very breathable) and reenter our much less svelte civilian skin. This self doesn’t have the energy to be anyone in particular –or to do anything really but eat and wonder when things get easier.

We are ashamed of this second self – convinced that we are the only one with an overweight, unemployed, uninteresting, uncharming being floating under our put together shell. We fight it off, even as it bubbles up, asking for attention and making you second guess yourself.
I, characteristically, swing between both extremes. ( I think) I am either an untouchable force of nature or someone on a desperate search to relate and connect, so I can feel less solitary. You either get all of my thoughts , or none at all. A few people have seen the gray area, and I’m not sure whether that’s good or bad.

I find my stance regrettably wishy washy. I can see the courage in committing fully to each self. Either you’re going to talk about it or you’re not. I admire those who are able to own up to their inherent instability. I really can’t - both options seem scary to me. Pretending that you have it all wrapped up is just as tiring as remembering that you don’t.

I’d like to say stop being so hard on yourself to all 6 of you reading. But I know if you are a friend of mine, that probably sounds like the tallest task on the planet. Try your best to be comforted by the fact that most people walk around with a little bit of “stuff” and that people will still love you even if you let your second self show. And doesn't that make you want to love them that much more?? Know that everyone deserves to be happy and that constantly making sure that other people are happy won’t keep YOU happy forever. There is something out that only you can/ need to do and that will make you and everyone else happy. Nifty, right?

This is kinda emo and I apologize. It was a thought sorter-outer for me and hopefully one of you bored internet- lurkers will find it mildly valuable.