Thought I was going to unpack but really i'm repacking for next year

Hey all. I am very sorry we have been out of contact for so long. I committed the number one offense of study abroad bloggers- not updating. I used to get so angry at those people – how dare they? I first experienced the phenomenon of not being able to physically blog about something in Barcelona and the time after. I desperately wanted to write something because my aunt and uncle were nice enough to take me and they are even nicer enough to read my blog. So the least I could do was give them a post about our trip together. Maybe because I feel like my better posts come from conflict, doubt, guilt, etc, I just didn’t feel like I had anything to write about. I mean, “We had an unforgettable time and I was sublimely happy” isn’t much of a post. But that’s how I kept feeling First about Barcelona, then my parent’s visit, then Rome, then Cordoba and Granada, then London and Wales. I was so happy and carefree during the trips that I had no mental space left to store up little witticisms that I would sprinkle my blog with. We encountered just as many randos and mishaps as usual, if not more and I hope I don’t forget all the tiny, beautiful things that happened to me over the course of those days. Sharing my thoughts and doubts with you has been one of the most therapeutic experiences I could have imagined. Call me cold and emotionally unavailable, I find it hard to sit across from someone, look them in the eye, and share something personal. It felt better to put all my mental twitches and the beautiful ribbons of my travel times into this vessel of a blog and send it out into the cyber waves. I got to color it with my carefully crafted chuckles and crystallize it in my own memory exactly how I wanted it. It’s been comforting that the people that read have enjoyed it and even more, identified with the things I was writing. I can’t say the blog hasn’t brought anything bad or unexpected, but it is far and away worth all the trouble.
The last few weeks of Spain were sublime. I think I’ll keep them to myself for a little while, hold them close while I can. But I can already see the day when I will want to send those memories out into the cyber void – away from me like paper cranes. I think I may even have enough for a series of short stories, which I would love and I think would be a more fitting medium for some of the more seminal experiences of my time away and my life. So if you want to know about any of the above mentioned trips, you’ll either have to wait for the compilation or ask me in person- whichever one seems less painful to you.
I was going to write this post – Unpacking – about my transition back to good ol’ Poughkeepsie, which has been appropriately difficult. Alas, I still feel too in the thick of my reverse culture shock to reflect adequately (if I had to marry a grammatical form, I would undoubtedly choose adverbs). So I am going to write my end of the year wrap up here, instead of my usual and less respectable facebook note. I have a hard time remembering Emily in January 2009- although I’m fairly sure I was miserable and insecure. I was in the height of self doubt and anxiety. I had no idea who I wanted to become but I know I didn’t want to be the drunk, mindless freshman that I had let myself become. I was very wrapped up in what people thought of me and what “the rules” were. I was living with some of my best friends and one of the biggest “challenges” I had ever faced. I was refusing to acknowledge the support systems I did have in place and as a result, felt very much alone. I didn’t believe in God or science or anything in between and was burdened with all of those big questions that came along with that. Sophomore year was the college equivalent of 7th grade for me- miserable, physically awkward, and generally devoid of sense or happiness- at least for a bit.
I’d like to say I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps and take all the credit for the person I am right now, who, although vastly and tragically incomplete and flawed, I am very proud of. But I am here because of all the people who chose to love me and be patient with me. I feel powerful and I feel like I’m squarely on my own twisted little life trail. I’ve accepted some of my limitations and am still bitterly fighting others to the death. I am having a great time being just the right amount of jaded and clutching all the idealistic bubbles floating around my head. I am sorry for anything or anyone I neglected or hurt on this absolutely essential quest to find myself. I tried my best to minimize the effect but I know I didn’t totally succeed. I can be obnoxious and overbearing and sometimes I am very bad at pretending to listen. But as I type, I cannot really think of anyone I hate or would delete from my life or experience. I would hug each of you if I could, even the people I screamed and fought with. I have had this time to be unabashedly and unapologetically me but I hope and feel that the pendulum is swinging back the other way and I can get back( or begin) to be a little bit less selfish and focus on some of the big, more important things that I worried about before I had this year long crisis of self.
So one of the things I have accepted about myself is my neuroses- I actually think they’re kinda adorable. Neurotics like lists – we can process those. So I’d like to present you with two lists to sum up my 2009.
A smattering of things I learned
1. You have to learn to be everything for yourself. Don’t depend on anyone to take care of you, think for you, make decisions for you, or make you feel important or valid. You will always be there for you and sometimes even your very best friend or significant other can’t be there. Once you have the realization that YOU are all you really need, you are free to have less burdened relationships with other people. It’s exhausting for both parties when you have to be each other’s TOTALLYEVERYTHING FOR ALLTIMEOMG.
2. That being said let people help you. For as many totally shitty things that people do to each other, so many people think that you are worth their time and energy. If you have accomplished item #1, it’s easy to think that other people have no use or place in your life. Yeah, you don’t NEED anyone but they make all this being a 20ish person a whole lot easier- and don’t you want somebody around?
3. Embrace uncertainty while you have it. I hope that I don’t experience total stability and clarity for a very long time. In fact Im pretty sure those are sure signs that you are already dead. Now is the time to drift and explore and love something or someone so much that you can’t stand it. Now is the time to shave your head or go some place that makes your parents just a little bit nervous. Now is the time to think about your place in the world and the person you want to be. I never really believed before this year that we only get to do all this stuff once. I only get one chance to decide who Emily Fiore is going to be. That’s a ton of things to be confused and overwhelmed about. Clarity and stability is for the people that have stopped caring and stopped looking around. Yeah I have no idea what I am doing most of the time, but that should be a comforting feeling.
4. When you’re ready, fall in love and give it everything you have. Really fall in love and don’t confuse it for anything else. Love is probably not at Hatters. Love doesn’t just make you want to say things, it makes you want to DO something. If you can live without it, for even a day, that’s not it. Love let’s you change and be whoever you want and do everything you ever thought of doing. It might get taken away from you, or you might found out you were mistaken, and that’s probably going to be the worst thing that has ever happened to you. But in order to be a person, you have to have at least tried to love someone.
5. Don’t be afraid to lay down “who you are” for awhile. By that I mean the activities and titles that we try to quantify our value. I set down academic Emily, flute Emily, ESL Emily, Praxis Emily, family member Emily, swing dancer Emily, and a whole slew of Emilys for 4 months. It’s actually very fun. You don’t disappear into a poof of smoke, all the important people still love you, the world keeps turning, and you get a chance to decide what you care about.
6. Give your full attention to the people and places that are right in front of you. Even if you are talking to Stan, who has no control over his vocal volume and thinks that variation in paper texture is interesting, he is the most important person in the world at the moment. Don’t try to be anywhere else or plan what you are going to get at the Caf. Stan deserves your full attention and so does that river you pass everyday going to class, the janitor that cleans your classroom, your grandpa, and that perfect leaf that landed on your windshield. It really sucks to be on the receiving end of a person who basically wants you to disappear.
7. I’d say about 90% of most things are completely out of your control- including the length of the previews at the movies, if your flight arrives on time, how much gas costs, when Oprah decides to end her talk show, etc. Life is going to change- if you’re happy or sad right now, chances are it will be different in a few months. Accept the fact that some things are just going to happen to you and it’s not your job to wish away time, disappear into a hole, and get past it. It’s your job to totally immerse yourself in whatever that emotion or state is and take what you can from it. When you stop trying to control other people and inanimate objects, you are able to concentrate on the 10% of things you CAN control and those are actually the important things : how you treat other people, the things you spend your time and money on, what you put into your body and mind, who you spend time with, what you can do to help etc.
8. I don’t know anything. Set down your 20 year old ego and your barrels full of wisdom and realize that we aren’t even halfway there. Like not even close. We don’t even know where there is yet. By nothing I mean NOTHING.
9. Most days, I’m not too hideous and neither are you. Give yourself a break- no one really cares how you manage your cuticles.
10. People are going to change and if you expect to maintain any sort of relationship with anyone, you’re gonna have to let them. Think how difficult this “becoming who you are” business is for you. Well it’s at least as hard for everyone else.
11. We are here to create things and help people.
12. Let it ride.
13. When in doubt, Paquita is probably the right person to ask. She can at least yell at someone for you or offer you some fried veal.
Things I would like to Learn/ Do
1. To prioritize and balance things better
2. To find a new medium to express myself- maybe a new instrument?
3. To be a lot kinder and a little gentler.
4. Listen more.
5. Don’t rush.
6. Plan ahead.
7. Figure out who God is, if he/she’s around.
8. Count to 10 before I react.
9. Stand up for myself a little bit more. Sometimes you should suffer things silently, other times you shouldn’t
10. Curse a little bit less.
11. Love someone and be loved back. And let a few more people into my head.
12. To say thank you more often.
13. My cause. Something I can fight for.
14. Portuguese.
15. Get an internship in a cool city.
16. Publish something.
17. Make sure this list is always longer than the first one.
Ok that’s enough you get the idea. This blog is going to change a lot. Instead of weekends galavanting throughout Europe, there will be many more weekends in the library and on my couch. But that’s beautiful too. To anyone reading and to everyone that has ever read, chances are I love you in completely unreasonable quantities and that if you ever asked, I’d be wherever you are in a heartbeat. 2009 has squeezed every last drop out of me and I hope you figured out a few things too- but not too many.